i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
