last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
