...is it true? will i see you next weekend
YES.
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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