I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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