He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
