she woke up with a sticky ear
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
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