It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
