She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
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