Banned from zoo.
Again?
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize