Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
