Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Man, jail baloney is awful.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Randomize
