If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Randomize