just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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