she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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