all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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