Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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