There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
