I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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