We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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