I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
