so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
You guys sftrill at mcdondalds?!!!!
Yes.
fuckin bring me a cheseburgeria
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
