His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
