I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
