I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
