yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
