I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I take back everything I said about communal showers
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
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