Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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