we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
