So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
