I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
