wanna go halves on a baby?
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
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