I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Floor bacon is actually really good
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Randomize
