Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
