I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
When are your genitals available?
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
