Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I am available for nakedness
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
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