let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
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