I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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