You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
