I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
Randomize