i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
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