I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
i am craving dick and cupcakes
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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