I feel like abortions should bother me more
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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