I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
