hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
