He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
No more Irish car bombs ever.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Randomize
