This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
