woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize
