This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
