I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
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