i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize