I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
