its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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