Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Randomize
