I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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