got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
