he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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