I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
