I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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