i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
